Well this was a fun chapter to read…Being in the middle of a
divorce after 30 years of marriage and finding out that your spouse has cheated
on you throughout those 30 years, and getting caught was pretty damaging to my
self-esteem. I knew our marriage was in
trouble, but I always thought, naively so, that he would never do that. I spent
a lot of time blaming myself, blaming him and wondering why I didn’t see the
signs, that looking back seems so glaringly obvious today.
When I found out about the cheating, I didn’t confront him
about it, I tried to be exactly what he was seeking, and I tried to repair our
marriage. When it happened again during this period I knew it was more about
his addiction then what I was or was not providing in our marriage. I knew that
I could never trust him, and he was very quick to put the blame all on me for
the reason he was addicted to pornography and sex. I have done a lot of
studying and praying to get over the feelings of hurt and betrayal, I have
recognized my part in damaging our marriage and I am working on healing and
moving on, creating a new life for myself.
This chapter really had some great points in identifying the
different types of infidelity and how they affect the marriage. A couple of the quotes that stuck out to me were:
“Infidelity is a subtle process. It
does not begin with adultery; it begins with thoughts and attitudes. Each step
to adultery is short, and each is easily taken; but once the process starts, it
is difficult to stop.”
“Satan will try to convince us that
we can find happiness in infidelity. Even though it may seem for a time that
everything is wonderful, President Benson warned, “Quickly the relationship
will sour. Guilt and shame set in. We
become fearful that our sins will be discovered. We must sneak and hide, lie
and cheat. Love begins to die. Bitterness, jealousy, anger, and even hate begin
to grow.”
Pornography was a big part in our marital problems and it
went unaddressed because of shame and guilt, on both of our parts. He didn’t
want to admit that it was a problem and seek help, and I was ashamed and
embarrassed that my husband was addicted to pornography and didn’t want to talk
about it to get help, thinking that he was dealing with it and keeping it under
control. It soon consumed him and then he needed more.
“Use of pornography results in
distinctive negative impacts, including the objectification of people,
overemphasis in the visual, overemphasis on sex, and the expectation of instant
gratification.”
I think I can look back and see that I was more of an object
to my husband that served a purpose, I didn’t feel that intimacy and trust
needed for a strong healthy marriage, and I pulled away, withholding affection
and becoming critical.
“We control objects, and when they
do not satisfy us, we get rid of them. When we objectify people, we falsely
believe that they are there only to please and gratify us, not to challenge or
disagree with us. We stop seeing their humanness and uniqueness. In turn, we
begin to lose the ability to notice and respect the needs and feelings of real
people in our lives.”
Do I take ownership in some of the marital troubles yes, I
was not perfect. Looking back I think we could have been helped with counseling,
but unless those addictions were managed we would have been on the same road.
“A common myth is that affairs
occur only because of a bad marriage. This belief is simply untrue. Spouses are
sometimes inconsiderate, unkind, and difficult, and they must share the blame
for broken homes, but this is never justifies the other spouse’s covetousness
and unfaithfulness and infidelity. There
are many people in troubled marriages who do not commit adultery just as there
is plenty of infidelity that occurs even when spouses are generally satisfied
with their marriages. A troubled marriage neither causes nor justifies
infidelity.”
“Infidelity has less to do with the
sate of a marriage and more to do with the individual. It is often a result of
a personal transformation that has taken place within an individual’s nature. “
What can be done to help avoid infidelity in a marriage?
Some of my own personal advice from my experience is to make sure to ask the
tough questions before marriage. Get to know the person you are marrying don’t
be afraid to have those difficult conversations they will come up one way or
another at some point in time, it is better to know ahead of time. If you are
having trouble establishing the intimacy and trust that is required in a
marriage, find out why. Seek counseling, talk about it with your spouse; the
problem will just get bigger as time goes on. The book has the following simple
suggestion:
“Be fiercely loyal to one another.
As we construct appropriate boundaries, are fiercely loyal, control thoughts,
and put our spouse first, it is unlikely our marriage will ever be traumatized
by infidelity.”
Hawkins, Alan J., et al. Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation
Principles and Research Perspectives. BYU Studies and School of Family Life, Brigham Young
University, 2012.
