Serving the Peanuts

 

“Turbulence isn’t deadly, and neither is divorce. We survive these things. The kids don’t know this yet, so they are afraid. They are going to keep looking at your face for information. Your job right now is to smile at them, stay calm, and keep serving the peanuts. We don’t control the turbulence or tragedy that happens to our families. We decide only the response to the main character. We decide whether we will be the on who jumps ship or the one who stays and leads. Parenthood is serving the peanuts amid turbulence. Parenthood is thinking: This is too much. I cannot lead them. Bit I will do the thing I cannot do.  We take heir hands in ours. We say to them ‘Look at me. It’s you and me. I am here.’  You and me. We will hold hands and breathe and love each other. Even if we are falling from the sky. Family is: Whether we’re falling or flying, we’re going to take care of each other through the whole damn ride.” (pg. 150, 151)

When I opened the book today to see what I had next highlighted this was it. I needed to read this today. Although we are a few years down the divorce road, there is still damage and debris getting in the way. I have two children that do not have a father in their life, by his choice he has walked away. Teenage girls need their father in their life. They need a father that is present, cares about them, and is actively reaching out to them and is interested in them, and it is unfair the girls don’t have that. Each one has a different reaction to the hurt and feelings of abandonment they feel. I am left picking up the pieces, with one of them I am constantly reminding her that I am not going anywhere. She is afraid to get close to me, she puts up walls, she doesn’t think she is strong enough to bear the pain of letting her guard down and getting close to me because everyone else has abandoned her, in her mind it is only a matter of time before I do the same.

For the last four years I have been reassuring her I will be here no matter what, and I have been. It doesn’t matter what I am going through, how difficult my day has been, I am there. I am the annoying mother checking up on grades, making sure chores are done, but I am also the mother driving her everywhere she wants and needs to go, making doctor appointments, sitting in counseling sessions pouring my heart out about wanting a better relationship with her.

In the mean time I will continue to pass out the peanuts, I will be there for the girls, and my other kids, and grandkids, I am here and I love all of you! This has been one long ride…

Book Review

 

The Woman They Could Not Silence

I am going to keep this short. This was a great book but it brought back some memories, if I had been alive in this time period I might have seen the same fate as she did, but I don’t have the voice she does. It is the story of Elizabeth Packard mother to six children living in Illinois in the late 1800’s. Her husband was a preacher and very controlling. Elizabeth was very smart, articulate and not afraid to speak, and she started speaking out against what her husband was preaching and he had the legal right to have her hauled off to an asylum and deemed insane. When she got there she found other women just like her, normal outspoken wives and mothers put in the asylum because they questioned their husbands. They had their children turned against them and missed out on their early childhood; often these women were in the asylum for many years. If they were released they made sure to toe the line because they did not want to end up back there. It was a good read, and after Elizabeth was finally released, she went on to change laws and speak out about what was happening and demanding better treatment for women. At that time women could not own property, they were the property of their fathers and then their husbands. If they got a divorce they never saw their children again.

Opening Quote: “There’s no more powerful way to silence someone than to call them crazy.”

I had a knot in my stomach after reading this quote, I remember so many times Scott calling me crazy when I would question anything he was doing that I didn’t agree with. It messed with my mind, was I really crazy? Was I crazy to expect financial accountability? Was I crazy to expect transparency in our marriage? Was I crazy to expect him to help teach the children to respect their mother? I learned to just pretend everything was fine, but that does not work. I could pretend on the outside but on the inside I was building resentment, anger, and disrespect. I was living a life in turmoil and uncertainty. I put trust into one person to do the right thing, and over and over I was disappointed.

                                “Confusion has seized us, and all things go wrong,

                                The women have leaped from ‘their spheres,’

                                And, instead of fixed stars, shoot as comets along,

                                And are setting the world by the ears!...

                                They’ve taken a notion to speak for themselves,

                                And are wielding the tongue and the pen…

                                Now, misses may reason, and think, and debate,

                                Till unquestioned submission is quite out of date…

                                Like the devils of Milton, they rise from each blow,

                                With spirit unbroken, insulting the foe.

                                                                -Maria Weston Chapman 1840

 

I started writing, I wish I was more eloquent and could articulate my feelings better but I feel I still am locked up and can’t often find the right words. When I see something written the door slowly opens and I can let all the things buried deep seep out.

Elizabeth went to not only change laws but self-publish pamphlets and books she spent her live trying to bring about change.

At the end of the book is this quote, “We must be palsied by no fear to offend, no desire to please, no dependence upon the judgement of others.”

And finally, “She fought every day of her life to make things better, dedicating her life to others, wanting justice for all. She was torn down for it, her reputation ravaged. Yet, she squared her shoulders and dusted herself off after every single setback. She went back out there to meet that hostile world, with her hoop skirts swishing and her brown eyes gleaming, ready to fight another day.  And yet they called her crazy. But if that’s crazy, we should stand back and admire. For just look at what ‘crazy’ can do.

I have been working on finding my voice, critically thinking, and standing up for others. I will continue and Elizabeth’s words give me a little more strength to keep working on finding my voice.

Beautiful and Terrible Things

 

“I see that you’re upset. Are you ready for a solution yet? Or do you just need to feel this way for a while?” (pg. 139)

I need to have this framed, on my mirror, and memorize it. This applies to me and to all those around me. I don’t always want my problems solved; I just want someone to validate my feelings towards that problem. I also need to do better at this with my kids. I just want to offer solutions and sometimes this sounds like not hearing what they are saying, I know because that is how I feel sometimes. Just let me wallow for a minute, work out my feelings in my own brain, let me give them a voice and let me know I have been heard.  Then let’s come up with a solution. Sometimes there really isn’t a solution but to just let it go.  I felt this recently and I just needed someone to say “I’m sorry that happened.”  As soon as those words were uttered I felt better, I felt heard, and validated. I am still wallowing for a hot minute, but I will be fine and this will not eat at me for too long. I have had many defeats before and came out just fine, just need to process.

I also had this same experience with a friend recently. Something happened; I sent a similar message and let her know I was here when she was ready. We don’t have to solve the problem all the time, it is knowing the people in our corner hear us and care about us.

 “Nothing will destroy them. So I do not want to protect them from life’s fires; I want to point them towards the fire and say, ‘I see your fear, and it’s big. I also see your courage, and it’s bigger. We can do hard things, baby. We are fireproof.”  “Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don’t be afraid.” (pg. 142)

I needed this lesson long ago. Face the fear you will come out the other end. Good things happen and terrible things happen, don’t live in the terrible, visit for a minute and find the beautiful. The beautiful right now is I am planning a fabulous trip, the amount of time I have spent planning, dreaming, saving, is almost as much fun as the trip itself. Life is not always about the destination it is about the journey. Sometimes the journey is uphill and rocky and tenuous, other times it is flat and smooth or going full speed downhill.   When I am in the terrible I tend to write, it gets the terrible out of my head. I feel better already. I am going to go back to looking at the fabulous miles long sandy beaches and cute thatched roof restaurants I will be sipping drinks at in a few short weeks, because I am fireproof.