Living Life and Random Thoughts

I have to admit that the last several years have been really hard but I have really found out how strong I am, what I am willing to live with and what I am not. I have spent the last two years doing a lot of self reflecting and figuring out what direction I want my life to go. Moving to an island and living a carefree life would be top of that list but I have to be realistic.

I know a few things about myself that I have really been focusing on and that is caring for others, I do it everyday in my job, I have around 70 kids that I put a lot of thought into and hope I am advocating for them the best way I know how. I have my own kids that are always on my mind, and how I can be the best mom to them. I also have a passion for Haiti. It started long ago on that first trip to Haiti in January 2008. Something changed in me and I could not get my mind or my heart out of Haiti.

I have spent my life being afraid of what others will think, or just living in fear of the unknown, or afraid to take chances and risks. During the last two years I had to get over what other people think really quickly, I have no control over that...think what you would like. I lived in fear, I hated making even the simplest phone call, but now I just face that head on and pick up the phone. I have had to do a lot of things that I never thought I would and I found this quote that really fits...

"And then I realized that to be more alive I had to be less afraid so I did it, I lost my fear and gained my whole life."

I call these great quotes my "tattoos" I don't think I will ever get a tattoo but I like thinking that I could have several sayings engraved in my soul to remember all the hard things I have done.

Back to Haiti...with my love of Haiti and helping children I have also found love. It is a great feeling to be so connected to someone that shares the same passion and desire to help.

I am not sure I am ready to share the whole story but we met when I went to Haiti in October 2016, I am sure I have written about him on this blog when I wrote about that trip...we became friends, and after I knew I was getting a divorce we talked about the possibility of having a future together.  That friendship blossomed and we are planning a future. I am really excited to see how it unfolds and where the adventures take us.

I have been working on helping the school he started in his town of Carrefour in Haiti. He started a school with 6 kids that were too poor to go to school. He saw them running around causing trouble and decided that they needed to be in school. He used his own funds to start this school about 6 years ago, and when I came on board to help there were 90 kids at the school. Today there are about 200 kids going to school and they are working on clearing some land, that his family owns, to build a bigger better school. We have built a chicken coop and they raise and sell chickens, we have children sponsored and we have raised money and have had school supplies donated to help the school. On my first trip they were using cardboard nailed to the wall as chalkboards, our first fundraiser helped to buy "real" chalkboards.

We have just formed a 501c non-profit, we have board members that have great community connections and we are ready to see where the possibilities take us. This has been a saving grace for me during the last two years, I have had the ability to focus on other things besides what is going on in my personal life. Along with finishing school, getting a great job, and continuing my connection in Haiti, I have also found love again!

Life is good!

"There is nothing stronger than a woman who has rebuilt herself."

Tia said to me the other day, "Mom I don't know if it is your make-up or what but you look younger." I told her it is because I am happy....love that girl!

Never Thought

Never thought…

I never thought I would be getting a divorce…

I never thought I would be fighting for support for basic needs for our girls…

I never thought he would try and sabotage my job and career…

I never thought he would be the dead beat dad that doesn’t spend time with his kids…

I never thought he would then refuse to pay for out of pocket medical expenses not covered by my insurance because I didn’t let him know I was taking our child for her well-check appointment…

I never thought he would not pay for part of their school lunches even after he promised the girls that it was ok to eat school lunch because he would pay for it…

I never thought he would refuse to help pay for sporting activities because I signed them up without asking him first…

I never thought he would sign a legal agreement then try and get out of that legal agreement…

I never thought I would have to get a court order to have him pay child support…

I never thought I would have to get a court order to have him move out 9 months after I filed for divorce…

I never thought I would have to get a restraining order to stop him from asking harassing and non-relevant questions about my personal life that have no bearing on our divorce….

I never thought I would have to get a court order to give us his financial information and then he continues to not comply…

I never thought I would have to get a court order to have him attend a mandatory deposition…

I never thought I would have to get a restraining order for my safety because he made threats to my 11 year old about hurting me…

I never thought I would have to defend myself to my children for just trying to get out of a very broken marriage with enough support to provide for the two children that I am raising as a single mom…

I never thought I would be a single mom…

I never thought I would be dating again….

I never thought I would be happy again…

I never thought I could be in a relationship where there was mutual respect…

I never thought I could make it on my own…

I never thought I would graduate college…

I never thought I would find a job and career that I love…

This list is never ending, and life has certainly thrown some curve balls my way, but I am finding out how strong I am and what is really important to me.

“Every night her thoughts weighted heavily on her soul but every morning she would get up to fight another day, every night she survived.” R.h.sin.

Every day for the last 2 years has felt like survival…but I continue to surprise myself and conquer each new battle head on.

"Feel the fear, take action anyway"

Dear Future Me

I came across this poem I had to write for one of my classes almost 2 years ago, I was just at the beginning stages of the divorce, I had no idea what was in store, but this is still pretty right on track.

Dear Future Me,

It has been a long time since you have been able to focus on what you want your future to look like.

Now is your chance, life has opened up new doors, new adventures, and try that new hike.

You have lived a life for others, focused on their happiness and that made you happy as well;

But your life is a blank canvas, the colors on the palate waiting and ready to swell.

The children are growing, finding their way, like the birds in the nest when it is time to fly away.

The courage it took to go back to school, to be dedicated and focused, to set your aim high;

Was something that had been haunting your conscience for so long you could no longer deny.

Although, you thought you were old, life is to be lived and the story is still being told.

It is time to close the chapter on the past life that left you in despair;

Each new adventure is an existence of life, creating memories to share.

Trips to the beach, collecting shells in the sand, laughing with friends, feeling alive;

You deserve to feel happiness and joy, life is about sharing and giving and learning to strive.

Reaching the goals, living the dream, the world is yours don’t forget;

Take advantage of the time, don’t waste a second life is too short to have a regret!

Taking one for the Team

 

 

I feel that I have paid a pretty big price for trying hard not to drag our children into the middle of this ugly divorce. But time and time again I have under estimated what depths Scott will go to. He has called foul on the entire justice system because he is not “getting a fair shake.”

We went to court yesterday (Friday March 1^st), for what was supposed to be and entry of orders and hearing for the restraining order, yes he verbally threatened to “beat me until I was in the hospital.” And called me a terrible lying bitch…to my 11 year old.  He decided to submit 167 pages of evidence against me and the whole court system to show how he had been wronged and how our legally binding settlement agreement should be thrown out and we start all over. My lawyer did not want to waste time or money answering his 167 pages because they were not relevant to the motion at hand, and Scott did not file a motion but just alluded to it in his complaints. The commissioner did a really good job of pandering to Scott, after all this hearing had been the courthouse gossip for a couple of weeks with all of his harassing of the courthouse staff, my boss included, and his bribery, he actually brought bonze trees and thank you notes to two of the clerks at the courthouse because they were so helpful to him… they were doing their job. I think the commissioner was trying to appease Scott so that Scott would feel that all of his concerns and complaints were heard.  

The commissioner had nothing from me, he was only reading and hearing one side, and it was a long side. Scott included his 33 pages of marital complaints that go back to when we first were married. He had letters and pages of misleading and slandering statements about my friend from Haiti who I am now dating. He even had statements from my children saying that they had met him and that he had dinner at my home, because that is relevant in his mind. Along with all of that, he had glowing statements from our children that he convinced to have them write back at the beginning of the year, because he told them I was trying to take the girls away from him by calling him a pedophile. So all of that information came out and the commissioner basically told me I am not a good parent, because the kids wrote something for their father but not me. Scott wanted a one sided trial where he could present all of his evidence and I had to remain silent.

The commissioner then made a ruling that part of the legally binding divorce settlement would have to be renegotiated, he was confused about the child support number. My lawyer pointed out that Scott came up with that number on several different occasions, and that I agreed to that number but gave up several other concessions just to make the deal workout, and we would need to go to binding arbitration to figure it out. WE ALREADY DID FIGURE IT OUT AND SCOTT WANTED TO CHANGE HIS MIND!!

When it came time to talk about the restraining order, he told Scott that we really need to figure things out and he understood that emotions run high, then he admonished BOTH of us to not talk bad about the other parent. Where in that restraining order did it say I was talking bad about him? I have never called him names or threatened his physical safety to my minor children.

There is a new hearing set for revision of the judgment by a judge that is coming from another county, hopefully he will uphold the original legally binding agreement and we can be done.

Honoring Marital Vows with Complete Fidelity

Well this was a fun chapter to read…Being in the middle of a divorce after 30 years of marriage and finding out that your spouse has cheated on you throughout those 30 years, and getting caught was pretty damaging to my self-esteem.  I knew our marriage was in trouble, but I always thought, naively so, that he would never do that. I spent a lot of time blaming myself, blaming him and wondering why I didn’t see the signs, that looking back seems so glaringly obvious today.

When I found out about the cheating, I didn’t confront him about it, I tried to be exactly what he was seeking, and I tried to repair our marriage. When it happened again during this period I knew it was more about his addiction then what I was or was not providing in our marriage. I knew that I could never trust him, and he was very quick to put the blame all on me for the reason he was addicted to pornography and sex. I have done a lot of studying and praying to get over the feelings of hurt and betrayal, I have recognized my part in damaging our marriage and I am working on healing and moving on, creating a new life for myself.

This chapter really had some great points in identifying the different types of infidelity and how they affect the marriage.  A couple of the quotes that stuck out to me were:

“Infidelity is a subtle process. It does not begin with adultery; it begins with thoughts and attitudes. Each step to adultery is short, and each is easily taken; but once the process starts, it is difficult to stop.”

“Satan will try to convince us that we can find happiness in infidelity. Even though it may seem for a time that everything is wonderful, President Benson warned, “Quickly the relationship will sour.  Guilt and shame set in. We become fearful that our sins will be discovered. We must sneak and hide, lie and cheat. Love begins to die. Bitterness, jealousy, anger, and even hate begin to grow.”

Pornography was a big part in our marital problems and it went unaddressed because of shame and guilt, on both of our parts. He didn’t want to admit that it was a problem and seek help, and I was ashamed and embarrassed that my husband was addicted to pornography and didn’t want to talk about it to get help, thinking that he was dealing with it and keeping it under control. It soon consumed him and then he needed more.

“Use of pornography results in distinctive negative impacts, including the objectification of people, overemphasis in the visual, overemphasis on sex, and the expectation of instant gratification.”

I think I can look back and see that I was more of an object to my husband that served a purpose, I didn’t feel that intimacy and trust needed for a strong healthy marriage, and I pulled away, withholding affection and becoming critical.

“We control objects, and when they do not satisfy us, we get rid of them. When we objectify people, we falsely believe that they are there only to please and gratify us, not to challenge or disagree with us. We stop seeing their humanness and uniqueness. In turn, we begin to lose the ability to notice and respect the needs and feelings of real people in our lives.”

Do I take ownership in some of the marital troubles yes, I was not perfect. Looking back I think we could have been helped with counseling, but unless those addictions were managed we would have been on the same road.

“A common myth is that affairs occur only because of a bad marriage. This belief is simply untrue. Spouses are sometimes inconsiderate, unkind, and difficult, and they must share the blame for broken homes, but this is never justifies the other spouse’s covetousness and unfaithfulness and infidelity.  There are many people in troubled marriages who do not commit adultery just as there is plenty of infidelity that occurs even when spouses are generally satisfied with their marriages. A troubled marriage neither causes nor justifies infidelity.”

“Infidelity has less to do with the sate of a marriage and more to do with the individual. It is often a result of a personal transformation that has taken place within an individual’s nature. “

What can be done to help avoid infidelity in a marriage? Some of my own personal advice from my experience is to make sure to ask the tough questions before marriage. Get to know the person you are marrying don’t be afraid to have those difficult conversations they will come up one way or another at some point in time, it is better to know ahead of time. If you are having trouble establishing the intimacy and trust that is required in a marriage, find out why. Seek counseling, talk about it with your spouse; the problem will just get bigger as time goes on. The book has the following simple suggestion:

“Be fiercely loyal to one another. As we construct appropriate boundaries, are fiercely loyal, control thoughts, and put our spouse first, it is unlikely our marriage will ever be traumatized by infidelity.”

            Hawkins, Alan J., et al. Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives. BYU Studies and School of Family Life, Brigham Young University, 2012.