Parenting

 

“I make a lot of mistakes parenting you. But I only know they are mistakes in retrospect. I’ve never made a decision for you that I know, in real time, is wrong for you” (pg 169).

This is such a true statement, I can look back and see many of the mistakes I made, I am sure all of the kids can see those mistakes as well, but there is only a few mistakes I made, knowing they were mistakes at the time, and still moved forward.

One of those mistakes was letting Jayden move to Utah at the age of 16. Jayden was being very difficult, disrespectful and I was not handling his situation with the care he needed, in retrospect. Things were rough between Scott and I, I blamed it on the car business struggling and the previous several years of financial difficulty. I also had my sister encouraging him to go and things would be better at her house. I also had Katie encouraging it and of course Scott was all for it. I felt a little bit of peer pressure to let him go, and honestly, I was ready to stop fighting the battle of parenting Jayden all alone. Yet, in hind sight we just pushed the issues Jayden was having under the rug and kicked that can down the road. I knew in my gut he should have stayed home and we needed to deal with the underlying problems that were causing Jayden to act out. (Not sure I was fully aware of that then)

Anyway, Jayden needed parents that were in his corner advocating better for him, and we failed. I have learned a lot from that time to now and so when it has come to Avrie and Tia I have tried to be the parent they need and make sure they know I am here, I am in the trenches with them and I am not going anywhere.

“Brave parenting is listening to the Knowing – ours and our children’s. It’s doing what is true and beautiful for our child no matter how countercultural it seems. It’s about how when we know what our children need, we don’t pretend to know” (pg. 160.)

 

Serving the Peanuts

 

“Turbulence isn’t deadly, and neither is divorce. We survive these things. The kids don’t know this yet, so they are afraid. They are going to keep looking at your face for information. Your job right now is to smile at them, stay calm, and keep serving the peanuts. We don’t control the turbulence or tragedy that happens to our families. We decide only the response to the main character. We decide whether we will be the on who jumps ship or the one who stays and leads. Parenthood is serving the peanuts amid turbulence. Parenthood is thinking: This is too much. I cannot lead them. Bit I will do the thing I cannot do.  We take heir hands in ours. We say to them ‘Look at me. It’s you and me. I am here.’  You and me. We will hold hands and breathe and love each other. Even if we are falling from the sky. Family is: Whether we’re falling or flying, we’re going to take care of each other through the whole damn ride.” (pg. 150, 151)

When I opened the book today to see what I had next highlighted this was it. I needed to read this today. Although we are a few years down the divorce road, there is still damage and debris getting in the way. I have two children that do not have a father in their life, by his choice he has walked away. Teenage girls need their father in their life. They need a father that is present, cares about them, and is actively reaching out to them and is interested in them, and it is unfair the girls don’t have that. Each one has a different reaction to the hurt and feelings of abandonment they feel. I am left picking up the pieces, with one of them I am constantly reminding her that I am not going anywhere. She is afraid to get close to me, she puts up walls, she doesn’t think she is strong enough to bear the pain of letting her guard down and getting close to me because everyone else has abandoned her, in her mind it is only a matter of time before I do the same.

For the last four years I have been reassuring her I will be here no matter what, and I have been. It doesn’t matter what I am going through, how difficult my day has been, I am there. I am the annoying mother checking up on grades, making sure chores are done, but I am also the mother driving her everywhere she wants and needs to go, making doctor appointments, sitting in counseling sessions pouring my heart out about wanting a better relationship with her.

In the mean time I will continue to pass out the peanuts, I will be there for the girls, and my other kids, and grandkids, I am here and I love all of you! This has been one long ride…

Book Review

 

The Woman They Could Not Silence

I am going to keep this short. This was a great book but it brought back some memories, if I had been alive in this time period I might have seen the same fate as she did, but I don’t have the voice she does. It is the story of Elizabeth Packard mother to six children living in Illinois in the late 1800’s. Her husband was a preacher and very controlling. Elizabeth was very smart, articulate and not afraid to speak, and she started speaking out against what her husband was preaching and he had the legal right to have her hauled off to an asylum and deemed insane. When she got there she found other women just like her, normal outspoken wives and mothers put in the asylum because they questioned their husbands. They had their children turned against them and missed out on their early childhood; often these women were in the asylum for many years. If they were released they made sure to toe the line because they did not want to end up back there. It was a good read, and after Elizabeth was finally released, she went on to change laws and speak out about what was happening and demanding better treatment for women. At that time women could not own property, they were the property of their fathers and then their husbands. If they got a divorce they never saw their children again.

Opening Quote: “There’s no more powerful way to silence someone than to call them crazy.”

I had a knot in my stomach after reading this quote, I remember so many times Scott calling me crazy when I would question anything he was doing that I didn’t agree with. It messed with my mind, was I really crazy? Was I crazy to expect financial accountability? Was I crazy to expect transparency in our marriage? Was I crazy to expect him to help teach the children to respect their mother? I learned to just pretend everything was fine, but that does not work. I could pretend on the outside but on the inside I was building resentment, anger, and disrespect. I was living a life in turmoil and uncertainty. I put trust into one person to do the right thing, and over and over I was disappointed.

                                “Confusion has seized us, and all things go wrong,

                                The women have leaped from ‘their spheres,’

                                And, instead of fixed stars, shoot as comets along,

                                And are setting the world by the ears!...

                                They’ve taken a notion to speak for themselves,

                                And are wielding the tongue and the pen…

                                Now, misses may reason, and think, and debate,

                                Till unquestioned submission is quite out of date…

                                Like the devils of Milton, they rise from each blow,

                                With spirit unbroken, insulting the foe.

                                                                -Maria Weston Chapman 1840

 

I started writing, I wish I was more eloquent and could articulate my feelings better but I feel I still am locked up and can’t often find the right words. When I see something written the door slowly opens and I can let all the things buried deep seep out.

Elizabeth went to not only change laws but self-publish pamphlets and books she spent her live trying to bring about change.

At the end of the book is this quote, “We must be palsied by no fear to offend, no desire to please, no dependence upon the judgement of others.”

And finally, “She fought every day of her life to make things better, dedicating her life to others, wanting justice for all. She was torn down for it, her reputation ravaged. Yet, she squared her shoulders and dusted herself off after every single setback. She went back out there to meet that hostile world, with her hoop skirts swishing and her brown eyes gleaming, ready to fight another day.  And yet they called her crazy. But if that’s crazy, we should stand back and admire. For just look at what ‘crazy’ can do.

I have been working on finding my voice, critically thinking, and standing up for others. I will continue and Elizabeth’s words give me a little more strength to keep working on finding my voice.